remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
