My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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