cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
