there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
you made out with another girl for some wings
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
