He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
