I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
