I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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