I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
