My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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