I think I won the penis lottery.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
