He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
