This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
