After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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