I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize