Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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