and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
