Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
