She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize