I cannot find my penis.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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