He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
