I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
