She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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