I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
