totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Actions speak louder than pants.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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