im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
