I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
This is classic penis vs brain.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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