I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
