Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I touched a dick in church today
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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