There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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