hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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