Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
