i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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