I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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