No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
