I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
