well I can't set my house on fire every night
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
we're so committed to being not committed
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
