I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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