dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
