tell your sister to shave her snatch
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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