hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize