Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
