can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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