bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
