I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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