she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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