tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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