i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
