I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
