I wanna bring you to show and tell
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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