Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize