i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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