i think i have two assholes
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize