I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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