I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
This house was built for laser tag.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
