So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
