you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
