Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
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