Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You've changed since you got that strap on
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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