Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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