Christians are straight up FREAKS
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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