I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Randomize
