oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
