Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize