Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
