Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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