What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
i've created a new STD.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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