I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
