After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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