in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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