You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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